Iker AguirreLet's explore the 5 love languages, based on the work of Gary Chapman. This article is about the levers that shape your relationships. They fill (or drain) what Chapman calls your “love tank.” And that tank decides a lot. Will your life be full of distrust, fear, and frustration? Or full of rich, creative, joyful relationships?
This article could change your life. It could reshape your relationships and your personal growth.
If this topic speaks to you, listen to episode 15, “The 5 Love Languages,” on our podcast Une Alchimie de l'Éveil (in French).
When you know someone's love language, you also know where they're most vulnerable. Iker Aguirre
What are the 5 love languages, and how do you spot them?
Want to shift that balance in your life, or in someone else's? Then you need to know the five love languages. And you need to learn to speak them.
According to Gary Chapman, the five love languages are:
- Words of affirmation
Words carry power. They also carry energy. The intention behind what you say has an outsized impact. The right words help the other person love themselves a little more. Why? Because you hold up a mirror, and they like what they see in it.
How to speak this language
- The sticky note exercise: while your partner is out, or early in the morning before they wake up, grab a stack of sticky notes. On each one, write a word of affirmation, a compliment straight from the heart. Then stick them in strategic spots: the coffee maker, the bathroom mirror, the closet, the front door, and so on.
- Offer words of affirmation every day. And learn to say “I love you.”
- Here's another one: compliment your partner in front of friends and family. If they're not too shy, show the world how much you love them!
- Thank them for all the little things they do every day.
For more ideas, listen to episode 15, “The 5 Love Languages,” on our podcast Une Alchimie de l'Éveil (in French).
- Quality time
Quality has nothing to do with quantity here. Lots of low-quality time barely fills your love tank. A few moments of truly high quality can keep it full for months! This is about time when you're fully present, to yourself and to the other person.
- Block time on your calendar to spend with your partner, fully together.
- Make a list of activities you both enjoy. Do at least one a month.
- Join your partner in something they love, even if you don't.
- Turn everyday chores into time together. For example: I wash, you dry, and we tell each other about our day while music we both love plays in the background.
For more ideas, listen to episode 15, “The 5 Love Languages,” on our podcast Une Alchimie de l'Éveil (in French).
- Receiving gifts
Our culture loves this language! It's love made tangible: you give something to the person you love. Forget about money, though. You can give a gift without spending a dime.
- Let nature hand you a gift for your partner, and give it meaning. On a walk, pick up a beautiful shell or a smooth stone. The memory of that moment makes it meaningful. And it's completely free.
- Make gifts by hand!
- Create a vision board. Take a blank sheet of paper and an old magazine. Cut out images of things you'd love to experience with your partner. Arrange them into a collage. Then give them your artwork: a picture of the life you imagine together.
- Acts of service
Acts of service are the fourth love language. This is anything you do to smooth out the rough spots in the other person's life. You do your best to make their day easier and more pleasant. You clear the path for them.
- Take care of someone or something your partner loves, like their cat.
- Write your partner a note: “Today I'm showing my love by…” Then finish the sentence with something that helps them, delights them, or makes their day easier.
- Out of ideas? Ask your partner for a ranked list of things they'd love you to do.
- Physical touch
The last love language is physical touch. Always within the other person's boundaries, touch is a way to send your partner a message of love. The gesture carries energy, through the intention you put into it. Touch matters so much because it reaches a person's deepest layer of intimacy. Here, touch is a gift in itself: the message your gesture sends.
- Start simple. For example, offer your hand as they get out of the car.
- Hold your partner close while telling them words of affirmation.
- Hold hands during beautiful moments (like taking in a stunning view), everyday moments (like watching a movie), and hard moments too.
- Give each other massages.
- In a long-distance relationship? Try a handwritten letter, or swap a piece of clothing that carries your scent.
Important: one of these five love languages always outranks the others. It fills your love tank fastest. Which one comes first varies from person to person. So it's essential to identify your primary love language, and that of the person you love. Too often, we give others what we'd want for ourselves. Don't guess. Talk about it!
Once you know your own love languages and those of your partner or loved ones, try a journaling exercise.
A journaling exercise on the 5 love languages to improve and transform your relationships
- Rank your own 5 love languages.
- Pick your primary love language and describe every nuance of it.
- List the other love languages in order of importance.
- Ask your partner or loved one to do the same exercise.
- Share and compare your results.
“When you know someone's love language, you also know where they're most vulnerable.” – Iker Aguirre
A love language is something you need to speak well, and protect. Speak it well, and you'll fill the other person's love tank. Speak it poorly, and you can hurt your partner.
Knowing your own love language also helps you set the ground rules in your relationship. You can tell your partner what you'd love to share together, and where your limits are.
Gary Chapman's book: The 5 Love Languages
This book changed a lot for us. It's disarmingly simple and strikingly obvious. Maybe that's exactly why it hits so hard! Everything Chapman lays out in his bestseller is pure common sense. So why had no one ever told us about it?
After all, shouldn't talking to each other with respect and love be the foundation of every healthy, fulfilling relationship?
Discover the 5 love languages and how they shape your relationships. Buckle up: you're about to understand what your partner has been asking you for all this time! You'll even look back at every relationship you've had, past and present, including your wins and your breakups.
Finally, it all makes sense. This book could change your relationships for good. For the better, of course!
If you enjoyed this article and our podcast episode, go deeper into the 5 love languages with the book that made Gary Chapman famous.
One more thing. The French edition is published by Éditions Leduc, a house that works with love and heart. They prove day after day that a passion for good work is still alive (and no, this isn't sponsored).
Originally published in French on Konxus Média ↗